Listening

Listening. It seems like it is so easy – you just don’t talk when someone else is talking. You pay attention to what they are saying. While on the surface, it seems like listening is one of the easiest things to do, but we are not as good at as we think we are. In fact, studies have shown that less than 5% of people who are engaged in listening actually demonstrate real listening skills.

We know that many people, including ourselves, often listen to respond and we don’t listen to understand or gain clarity. There comes a point when someone else is speaking that we stop listening and start preparing our question or next thought. Even though our intention is likely to help the other person, this is not inherently helpful – we’re not listening.

Oscar Trimboli, a leading researcher and thought leader on listening, found that people can speak at approximately 125 words a minute, we listen at 400 words a minute, and we think at 900 words a minute. If we look at these numbers, it is easy to see why our brain speeds so far ahead of another person. Especially as leaders and problem-solvers, we are looking for a solution.

When someone is telling you something, they are using one of the most valuable and important tools they have – their voice. We must give them the space to share that voice and listen to all their words. When someone is talking to us, we don’t need to formulate a response or even have a reaction. All we need to do is let the information land. Once the person is done speaking, we can start to formulate our response.

I was in a conversation once where, when I was done speaking, the other person said, “Can you give me just 20 seconds to think about my response?” What I appreciated about this was that he signaled that he was listening, and he let me know that he was going to be silent for a few seconds because he wanted to give me a great response. We sometimes feel like the normal cadence of a conversation is you talk, I talk, you talk, I talk, with no space between. We get uncomfortable with even a few seconds of silence, so we prepare ourselves to jump in. We can cut through the discomfort when we share that we need a few seconds to think of our response.

Oscar Trimboli’s Five Levels of Listening

Oscar Trimboli created the five levels of listening, which takes us from listening to ourselves to listening for meaning. I love and use this model almost daily and I talk about it a lot when I facilitate workshops for leaders. It’s an actionable way to think about listening.

There are five levels of listening:

It may seem like a lot to think about – enough to distract you from listening! But, when we truly lean into listening, these things will start to take shape for us organically. To assist ourselves in getting there faster, pick just one of these areas to focus on in your next conversation. Just move through the levels one at a time, and you will find that the awareness of the level actually makes the listening journey easier.

Improving our listening

How you improve your listening will be an individual journey. Like with most things, we want to try on a few different behaviors to see their impact on our listening. Sometimes, these things are easy and other times they are uncomfortable. You will grow through both if you are committed to your leadership growth journey.

Mindfulness practices. You can practice mindfulness meditations, which help improve your focus and presence in conversations. Meditation and mindfulness enable you to be in the present moment and when we practice that in a low-risk environment, we get better at it in times when it matters most. In addition to mindfulness meditations, we can practice deep breathing exercises. Breathing deeply calms our nervous system, which helps us remain present and open.

Active listening techniques. There are many ways you can signal to another person that you are genuinely listening to them. You can summarize the key points to confirm that you have a shared understanding. You can accurately paraphrase, or repeat back, in your own words to make sure you have the same understanding. I say “accurately paraphrase” because you don’t want to get caught in saying things like “so what you’re basically saying is…”, which doesn’t usually result in mutual understanding.

Eliminating distractions. Our world is full of both internal and external distractions. You can start by having a personal policy of no devices when you are in meetings or in conversations with others. This helps you maintain focus and signals to people that you are present and care about them. If you have the space and opportunity, find quiet meeting spaces. Choose quiet, distraction-free environments for your important conversations.

We also have internal distractions. In his book How to Listen, Oscar Trimboli talks about how we can spend the few minutes before a meeting starts listening to ourselves. This means seeing what is sticking in our brain or distracting us internally, and we either jot down some notes, or we actively compartmentalize it so we don’t have those internal distractions going into a conversation.

Empathy development. Good listeners have good empathy, and we can build this in different ways. Role-playing better helps us understand different perspectives and how people approach different situations. Storytelling is another great tool because by encouraging team members to share personal stories, we foster empathy and deeper connections.

Build our patience muscle. We can leverage patience to improve our listening, as shown by the 125/400/900 words that were discussed earlier. We can develop the habit of pausing before responding to make sure you fully understand what the speaker is relaying. Avoid interrupting – it is tempting and we are excited about sharing our thoughts! Practice not interrupting, which will help you overcome that urge to quickly respond.

Non-verbal cues. We communicate that we are listening by how we physically behave when someone is talking to us. Maintaining appropriate eye contact shows that you are attentive. Use open body language, like not having your arms crossed, leaning into the conversation, and nodding all signal to the speaker that you are listening to them.

Reflection. I love to say it because it’s true – it is when we reflect that we pull everything we possibly can from an experience. You can add a listening element to your journal – or start a listening journal – when you reflect on your listening experiences from the day and identify areas for improvement. Another option would be to do post-meeting reviews where you reflect on what was said and how well you listened, and demonstrated listening, in the meeting.

When we practice different listening skills and work to enhance our listening skills, we foster better communication, stronger relationships, and a more collaborative work environment.

Leader reflection

Here are some questions that you can reflect on to increase your listening skills:

Self-Awareness

· How do I currently perceive my listening skills? Do I believe I am an effective listener?

· What recent feedback have I received about my listening skills from my team or peers?

· Can I identify situations where I might have missed key information because I wasn't listening attentively?

Empathy and Understanding

· How do I show empathy when listening to my team members?

· When was the last time I truly listened to understand, rather than to respond?

· How do I ensure that I am not making assumptions about what others are saying?

Barriers to Listening

· What common distractions or biases do I face that hinder my ability to listen effectively?

· How do I manage my emotional reactions when listening to difficult or critical feedback?

· Are there specific environments or situations where I find it particularly hard to listen attentively?

Active Listening Techniques

· What strategies do I use to ensure I am actively listening during conversations?

· How often do I use reflective listening techniques, such as paraphrasing or summarizing what I've heard?

· In what ways do I encourage others to share more by asking open-ended questions?

Feedback and Improvement

· How do I seek and act on feedback about my listening skills?

· What steps have I taken to improve my listening abilities in the past year?

· How do I measure the effectiveness of my listening improvements?

Impact on Relationships and Culture

· How does my listening behavior impact the trust and rapport I have with my team?

· In what ways does my listening contribute to or detract from a positive team culture?

· How do I ensure that all voices are heard and valued during meetings or discussions?

Personal and Professional Growth

· How has improving my listening skills contributed to my growth as a leader?

· What role does listening play in my long-term leadership development goals?

· How do I model good listening behavior for others in my organization?

When we take the time to reflect, we learn more about ourselves and how we show up for others.