Productive disagreement

A couple of years ago, I was part of one of the most interesting team offsites of my career. There are so many things that we get to do and experience as professionals, and those things inspire growth, and I have found that I have struggled to have an experience that allows for authentic connection and growth within a team.

At one point, we did an exercise where we shared our own weaknesses and what we thought the weaknesses of the team were, leading to one of the most eye-opening and transformative conversations of the entire session. Not only did we learn so much more about each other, but there were also several of us who felt that we did not challenge each other enough in our work.

When disagreement or conflict arises in a group, most people will either choose silence or violence. Those who choose silence shut down and will no longer engage in the session, and they may even avoid engagement in the days and weeks following the interaction. Those who choose violence view the disagreement as something they need to destroy or eliminate. Neither of these approaches are going to move a team forward.

In his book Why Are We Yelling?, Buster Benson outlines eight steps that he calls the “path toward productive disagreement”:

1.      Watch how anxiety sparks

2.      Talk to your internal voices

3.      Develop honest bias

4.      Speak for yourself

5.      Ask questions that invite surprising answers

6.      Build arguments together

7.      Cultivate neutral spaces

8.      Accept reality, then participate in it

What I appreciate the most about these eight steps is how intentional an individual must be to move through them mindfully. When we sense that anxiety has been sparked in us or those around us, we then go inward and determine which internal voices to listen to, knowing that those voices have been shaped by a lifetime of interactions and experiences. This leads us to acknowledge our bias in that situation or with that person. This sounds like a lot of internal work – and it is! – but it gets us to a point where we can speak for ourselves. When we speak for ourselves, we are accurately representing ourselves, not hiding behind an “invisible army” (“everyone thinks this”, or “a bunch of people have said…”) and respecting our perspective and how it is separate from others. Now, we can really jump in an engage in a disagreement that is going somewhere – to the benefit of the individuals and the team.

Conceptually, this makes sense and seems great, but how do we start to move towards this if we have never actually disagreed before? In the words of What About Bob? Character Bob Wiley “Baby steps!” You can start with just a difference of perspective. Speaking up and saying “I don’t see it that way” is a great start and it can feel very low risk when you are venturing out into the world of productive disagreement. This sparks conversation that helps both people understand each other more and understand where they are coming from when they do disagree. This foundation makes future disagreements more productive and less destructive because you have a greater understanding of and respect for the other person.

This is not disagreement for disagreement’s sake. It is offering something new in a variety of situations, so when real conflict or disagreement occurs, neither person will back down from it because they have learned and practiced how to engage when they do not share the same perspective. This will not be immediately easy or intuitive – it is a journey.